January 4, 2019 at 4:03 pm #114746
My motherly experience
I’m an addict, there’s no doubt about that. But, I’m not a bad mother; I swear. As I sit in fetal position on the floor with a wailing toddler next to me I think, “am I dying?”. That’s the last thing I remember.
I awaken to the noise of glass shattering all over my kitchen floor. I stumble out of the bathroom of my small studio apartment to see my half sister starring at me with eyes of vexation. If I wasn’t dead I’m sure as hell dead now.
“Why weren’t you answering your phone?!” Gabby yells through the other side of the now empty window hinges.
“What are you talking about?” I questioned, my voice scratchy as if I’ve been smoking cigarettes back to back. Or maybe I have been..
The last thing I recall is walking over to Dandfords; my local bar that’s 10 minutes walking distance. Dandfords graciously pleases me with a good morning when I wake up everyday. I remember meeting up with Nicole and a couple of her girlfriends and yes, of course I was with the baby. I wasn’t going to leave him at home alone; what kind of mother would I be? I had a couple drinks. Ok, maybe I had one too many drinks. And well, I went home.
Apparently a lot of mishaps went down when I arrived. I miss out on my life constantly because of my addiction. Half of my life is a blank sheet of paper. You know when you print a document and you run out of ink? The document comes out blank? Well that’s my life summed up in one.
My arrival was followed by a phone call to my half sister Susan. I killed the conversation by her interpreting my words as “goodbye I’m going to kill myself and the baby”. So, for the past thirty minutes, Gabby has been banging on my door with no response. Police were notified and neighbors were petrified by the news. It was a whole commotion. While I was just passed out drunk on my cold tiled bathroom floor.
It could be worse.. I take it back, that was the worse day of my motherly experience.
Two years and a magic pill later, I’m in recovery. I’m an event photographer, a mommy blogger, and a super hero to my three year old. I’m also a daughter, a sister, and a wife who has some issues to resolve.
I’m still in a quandary over what to do with my life. All in all, I’m only twenty-three. I don’t know what lies underneath the ocean. I don’t know if the boogie man exist. And I don’t know if Pluto is really a planet. But, I do know I am great mother.
I am no longer an addict, there’s no doubt about that.
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