May 10, 2019 at 3:26 pm #193413
My son is one of four children, soon to be 5 children. He has one older sister, and two younger sisters. He is 9 years old and up until probably 4-5 mos ago, he has always been the sweetest, most caring little boy you’d have ever met!!
But within the last 4-5 mos, he has turned so disrespectful towards me, he will argue with everything I tell him to do or anytime I ask him to do anything…constantly back talks me, tells me no or just completely disregards the fact that I am even speaking to him!!! I think probably the thing that makes me the most upset is this smug little arrogant smirk he gets on his face anytime that I am speaking to him and he is knowingly not obeying what I say. For example, the other day, I asked him to pick up his room, he was obviously not in his room picking it up, but instead was in his room laying down in bed watching tv. I called him out into the dining room while I was in the kitchen making dinner and asked him what it was that I had just asked him to do, he gets that smirk on his face and goes, “I don’t know, what did you ask me to do??” Even just typing what happened in the situation has me fuming!! It took everything in me to not smack the smirk right off his face!! I”m so sorry to even have those words coming out of my mouth, but I am at my breaking point with it!! I don’t just want to give him a spanking, which is what happens when he talks to his dad like that! (Maybe that’s why he doesn’t treat his dad the way he does me). Because I don’t want to scare him into doing what I am asking of him, or have him only behaving out of fear of me!! That’s not how I want the relationship between my son and I to be!! Not to mention, I don’t see where spanking him is resolving anything, and honestly it breaks my heart to see him cry anytime he gets a spanking from his father. But honestly, being 8 mos pregnant with my fifth child has already got me so emotionally and physically exhausted, the smirk he gets makes me just want to jump right out of my skin!! I guess it’s because I know that were that me when I was his age, I would be picking myself, along with my teeth up off the floor, I would’ve never even dare speak to any adult, much less my own parents that way!! And, honestly, it hurts me deeply to hear him speak to me that way, and really have no regard for how disrespectful he is being, to the person who has given him so much and puts so much of herself and her time into everything he needs!
At least for a while, I had a little peace knowing that even if he was acting out at home, he had enough respect and common sense to never act out this way in school. I have always heard from his teachers, how caring and compassionate he is and what a pleasure he is to have in class, that is until this afternoon, when I received a phone call from his teacher (while I was attending something else at my younger daughters school for her class), informing me that yesterday while at school, while doing work on the iPads in class, some boys that were working with or near to my son, approached the teacher and told her that he was typing inappropriate things into the answer space for the program in which they were supposed to be working on.
When she confronted him, he of course lied to her about it, until she reminded him that she could in fact go back and look at the iPad he had been working on and see what it was he was typing while in the program. Once she said this, he finally came clean and told her that he was typing the word “porn” into the answer spaces. Only, he didn’t tell her the word, as he was too embarrassed, therefore, he just spelled it out instead. She also learned at this same time, that he had threatened one of the other students in his class that he would log onto her account for this program and do the same thing in her program that he was doing in his, to get her in trouble. Although, he did end up logging into her account, he never filled answers with this word. Whether it was because he got called to talk to the teacher before he could, or he actually realized that it was not a good idea, nor something that he should be doing at all, much less to someone else!!!
Oh and lucky for me, this was not all that happened. Him and a couple other boys were caught getting on you tube and searching and watching FortNite videos while they were supposed to be working on their school work. So from here on out, because he violated the technology agreement that he signed at the beginning of the school year, anytime that he has to use the iPad for anything, he must be sitting right next to the teacher while doing so.
As far as why he is all the sudden acting out like this, I am at a complete loss, I don’t know if it’s just a phase he is going through, or if there is an outside influence coming from someone that he plays with in our neighborhood or school. I also wonder if he’s not acting out because he doesn’t feel like he is getting enough attention at home. I’ve tried talking to him about it, just the two of us, that way there are no interruptions from other members of the family, or so that he feels like he can openly talk to me about what’s on his mind, but he won’t give me anything. He just sits there and doesn’t answer any of my questions, I just feel like I am talking to a wall anytime I try to approach the topic at home. I asked him the other night to sit and think about the reason behind his attitude change as of lately while I went and took care of dinner that was cooking in the other room, was gone for approximately 10-15 min and came back and asked him what he thought it was and he responded with “what??” and I said “I gave you a question to think about and give me an answer to while I was gone, and again, his response was, “what was the question again?”. At that point, I just told him the conversation was over and that I didn’t want to discuss it anymore with him because I felt like he was playing or manipulating me in that situation to get me to keep repeating my question over and over again, which is exactly what he wanted me to do.
I don’t want to prompt him in any way though either and ask him if anything that I mentioned above about neighbor kids or lack of attention at home is his reason behind his behavior because I feel like if I give him those prompts, then he will just go with whatever he thinks it is that I want to hear and tell me that’s the reasoning behind it.
I just know that I can’t do this with him anymore. It’s just too much especially now. We are about to add another baby to the family the middle of July and I have 3 other kids besides the baby and him too. I can’t allow his attitude and his disrespect toward me to cause me to take out my frustration and anger on any of my other children when they are not doing anything wrong! I just know that I can’t continue to let him do what he is doing, because it’s wearing me down, it’s wearing on mine and his relationship and it’s not teaching him anything! But also, anything that I do do in order to discipline him when he behaves like this (grounding him, taking things away, not allowing him to go outside and play) doesn’t seem to have any effect on him other than the fact that he just gets even more irate and acts out even more.
I honestly at this point feel as if I am failing him as his mother, and I feel like if it doesn’t get nipped in the bud now, then it’s only going to spiral downward and get even worse to where he is dealing with even bigger consequences for more serious offenses and I know he’s not a bad kid, I know that kid that he can be and I know his true personality, I just wish that I could get him to talk to me about what is really going on that way we can face whatever this is head on and be able to work through it together, that way he can trust me and know that I really do want what’s best for him and that I do really care about him, because that is another thing he always throws in my face. Anytime that I ask him about something going on in his life, he always responds with something along the lines of, “why do you wanna know, you don’t care anyways!” That statement alone just hurts me to my core!!
I feel as if I’m losing my son and I just wish that there was some way of getting him to communicate the problem to me, and stop with all the disrespect and back talk, because as bad as I know this sounds, I dread my days off and find myself breathing a sigh of relief when I come home and he is next door playing with friends or whatever because at least I don’t have to worry about getting into any argument with him, but it never fails as soon as I call him to come in or it gets time for dinner, bath, bed and homework routines at night, there is always some sort of struggle between the two of us, my only thing is that I honestly just feel broken, helpless, and beaten!
May 11, 2019 at 10:00 am #193747
I am sorry you are dealing with all this. It is a tough situations. I know you want your son to talk to you, but have you thought about maybe finding someone else for him talk to, whether it is a counselor, or another adult he can confide in. He might be more willing to open up to someone else.
Also, with the whole discipline thing, I’ve found every child is different. For my son, taking things away rarely worked, or depending what it was. We tried different things, like having to write something 50 times, or going to bed right after dinner, or having to do chores (but not his normal chores) and whenever he did something that involved another person, like acting up in class or whatever the case might be, he had to apologize in person or he had to write a note saying sorry.
I also have heard others who have used a discipline jar. There would be different consequences in the jar and when they did something wrong they would have to pick one out of the jar, some would be more stricter than others, and there would also be one labeled “grace”, teaching them that sometimes we get love instead of what we should be getting. What is good about doing the jar is that the consequence is not coming from the parent. They are picking it.
I know these might not work but just a few suggestions.
May 11, 2019 at 11:55 am #193789
maybe he needs more one-on-one positive attention with an adult… is there a grandparent or uncle who could spend an afternoon each week just with him, and reinforce good behavior
May 11, 2019 at 7:08 pm #193881
sorry to hear t his
May 14, 2019 at 10:10 am #194358
Might be a good idea to meet with your school counselor and/or pediatrician for advice
May 14, 2019 at 1:28 pm #194464
Sorry for what you are going through
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