May 15, 2018 at 11:14 am #44696
I was married early in my 20’s and then had two boys close in age…only 18 months apart. (And I thought THAT was hard? Ha!) Anyway, after nearly 13 yrs and one vasectomy later, we divorced under civil terms.<br>
A little time passed, not many moments of which I gave a second thought to birth control! I hadn't had to consider birth control for many, many years thanks to my ex volunteering to get a vasectomy since that procedure so much simpler and less painful than a tubal. What a thoughful man the father of my boys was…everyone gushed how lucky I was to be married to such a considerate man.<br>
Yeah..considerate alright! Consider this though..approximately 12 yrs after his vasectomy and two yrs after our divorce, my UN-thinking self was a single, 39 yr old mom to twin boys! The father suddenly decided I was a whore because as he said, "No way am i having twins at 40." Well buster, you think I am passing out cigars? My children were 15 and a few months past 17! Why would I want to start over with a man I knew had never been a father to the child he had. A man who was only a rebound..a "bad boy" type to party and play with! Not a man I had ANY intention of linking myself to for the rest of my life.<br>
Over nearly 11 yrs, I have never gotten one dollar in child support. He has never been consistent enough in their life to have developed any type of parental bond. And even though they could almost be his tiny clones, for the first 18 months of their life he even claimed they weren't his. DNA proved his claims false. <br>
I have raised these boys all alone. No extended family but my mom, who is sick, and herself not a young woman. She does what she can to help, but God knows I am in desperate need of more help! I have asked and accomodated and even BEGGED him to please get involved in these boys lifes. They need a man to teach them certain things. Like how to treat a woman, how to shave, how to deal with hormones and crushes….basically they need their DAD! I last begged this man for his help and involvment in their lifes with hopes of making them feel like they matter to their father, this past September. His reply was a pathetic, self-pitying “I’m sorry I’m so worthless”. Well then, it’s time to man-up and do something to make yourself NOT worthless…that’s just “poor me, woe is me” talk to try and disguise what you truly are…LAZY!!!
You are also missing out on knowing two really great kids. And the love they have to give. They are smart, funny, compassionate, sweet, beautiful, kind, considerate, rotten, generous and loving little people. And they did NOT get any of that from YOU! It is all from ME! Me and my small family and even smaller group of close friends. They have learned compassion and caring from being without themselves. They have learned love through giggles, our late nite talks, encouragement, and lots of prayer. They have learned hard lessons too. Lessons of being let down year after year by the man they see maybe once or twice a year. A man who makes promises he never keeps. The man who was a stranger they longed to know. A man who, at one time they had made bigger than life in their own minds! A man they longed for, cried for, asked for. Yes, they know hurt.
As they got older they saw the REAL man. They saw and felt the embarrassment when other kids talked of going fishing with their own dads. They now know humiliation, as I realized the day one of the boys came in from school and asked if he could please just tell people his dad was my ex-husband, and not the man who truly fathered them. This because they are embarrassed and so hurt that not even someone as worthless as you, with such a terrible reputation as you, left them. Humiliated that not even a man like you would want them. That caused them to feel they are unlovable, unworthy. I have spent many nights holding my boys as they sobbed from the pain and rejection caused from you. I did my best to reassure them of how special and loved they really are.
Thankfully I have made some small steps in convincing them they are worth more to me than even my own life. They now realize they are valued, loved, treasured. That some people can’t imagine living without them.
They are slowly seeing their worth. With every honor roll…every difficult task completed..every little kid defended from bullies..they see their worth. As they mature they are able to understand their worth is measured by their own actions, not the actions of a lazy, uncaring man who assisted in their creation. They realize they make their own life…their own path to happiness…success…love…a sense of pride. It doesn’t matter what or where or who they came from. What matters is where they are going, who they love, and how they choose to live their life. They know choosing love and God is what makes a man’s worth and path through life. Responsibility for their own actions matter…not the irresponsible actions of the two adults who created them.
Although, yes it was very irresponsible, I will never regret the lapse in judgement and my own irreaponsible actions that led to them being on this earth! I thank God every single day for them. I feel so lucky and so grateful for them. I can’t, for the life of me, imagine what I’ve done to have been so blessed. I just know I can’t imagine my life without them in it.
Thank you Dear Lord for making this stressed out, almost 40 yr old womam a mom again. Thank you Dear Lord for making this stressed out womam a mom again…yes, I’m most always clueless if I’m doing anything close to right. I’m just a mom who feels my best is never going to be good enough…but I’m a lucky woman. I’m a mom full of the sweet love for, and from these two beautiful boys. Thank you so much God, even as hard as it can be, thank you for making me the mom to these precious boys…even at nearly 40! LOL!!!
May 15, 2018 at 3:17 pm #44826
Congratulations!!! I wish you and your babies all the happiness in the world. Children really are a blessing and God’s greatest gift. No matter how far along in life we are, children only add to the flavor of our lives and enrich us in so many positive ways. All we need to do is raise them in love, teach them right from wrong and above all else, make sure they have a strong, solid foundation (in the Lord) implanted in them to see them through their life’s journey & God will surely take care of the rest…
May 16, 2018 at 8:34 pm #45281
May 18, 2018 at 3:24 pm #45657
May 16, 2018 at 10:30 pm #45309
Goodness. You go girl for being tough about it. I admire your strength. Exes can be a nightmare…
May 17, 2018 at 6:11 am #45364
December 5, 2019 at 11:35 am #274477
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